i just wanna soil my oats bro
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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