I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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