I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
