Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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