Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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