i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
