Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We had to coat check the pizza.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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