He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
