Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
