i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
