i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
