Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
