i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
organizing the empties. That sober.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
