you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
