You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
