If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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