what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
