.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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