You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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