he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
