she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
