So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
