cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
mondays should just be called national damage control day
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
