It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
