oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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