The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
