I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
false alarm, still single
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