He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
