I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Every concussion has its silver lining
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
