how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
