That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
