I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
