You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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