Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
