After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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