I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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