i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
