You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
As shirtless as possible
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
