At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
