twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
