Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
