my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
