Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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