so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
