My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
my being single is dangerous.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
