My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
