Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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