my phone needs a breathalizer
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
