She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
