im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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