haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
