I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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