How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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